(Ab)normal service is resumed

It's been almost a year since I wrote my last blog post.  I was in a particularly dark place thinking about Jon's birthday at the time.  He should have been 50; he wasn't.  Now, in the blink of an eye, he would almost be 51. 

Anyway, this post is going to be more positive.  That's not to say that the pain of losing my favourite person (my 'heart's best treasure') has gone away but we have learned to live with it and life has continued albeit in a sort of small, half life, kind of way.  I described myself as 'being over the worst' to a friend the other day and she gave me a look which said 'don't be silly'.  I guess I meant that things aren't quite so raw.  That there is some sort of new normality that we have settled into and even though I hate being without Jon, I am still here and my children are safe and well.  That is something to be very grateful for.

A lot has changed in the last year.  Robin, the Cavalier King Charles we got the January after Jon's death, has become slightly less naughty and continues to be a huge comfort to all of us.  Walking him has been good therapy for me and the children adore him.  He is a good distraction and is good company.  He's also extremely cute.

We have also had another new addition to the family, though this one doesn't chew my shoes or run around the house with stolen pants.  Meet Olive...

I have wanted a camper for a very long time, so this is our happy bus.  She is cheerful inside and out and I can't wait to do some proper camping in her this summer.  It's time for road trip part two, I just hope she makes it up the hills and keeps us dry! 

I have returned to work.  I am back teaching, even if this weird, new, socially distanced education feels very strange, it is good to be back in the classroom.  I am less consumed by work now and am quite forgetful.  I genuinely believe that part of my brain died with Jon - especially the part that has to do any adding up!  Baby brain is a real thing - so is grief brain and I wonder if mine will ever recover.  The part of me that worried about saying the right thing around friends, family and work colleagues has definitely gone - I haven't got time for that anymore!  Sorry if I've offended anyone - this is as good as it gets!

Of course, home schooling for part of the year meant that my time away from work wasn't really my own for a while and even though it turns out that I'm worse at teaching my own kids than other people's, we got through it!  Grief has proven itself to be a sort of super power during Covid.  Knowing that the worst has happened becomes a sort of shield to any other difficult events in life, so when others were experiencing depression, stress and anxiety because of lockdown, we were struggling but knowing that things couldn't be worse than we had already experienced.  Of course, there was the constant and very real fear that we would lose another loved one but we have been incredibly fortunate.  My heart breaks for anyone that has lost someone during this time.  I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Despite the obvious, I have been very lucky in the last few years to find that I am loved by many people.  My friendships have deepened and I have leaned on my friends and family an awful lot, even though they have been dealing with their own grief.  We don't really talk about how we feel about our friends and family on a day to day basis - it would be pretty weird!  But I am regularly told by a bunch of fantastic people that I am loved.  They also show me in many different ways.  I will always, always be grateful and I hope I will always remember what I have learned:  to tell people how much they mean, how great they are and that the world is so much better with them in it.

And, most recently,  I fell in 'romantic' love again and then fell out of it.  One night in bed, I decided I didn't want to spend everynight on my own and joined a dating app there and then.  I've met some nice people and have been so grateful to find that love really can happen second time around.  I re-discovered a bit of myself through dating and found some confidence.  Dating second time around seems easier - you don't want the same things that you do when you're younger, so there's no pressure.  However, I'm learning that dating with children is hard - the person that loves me also needs to love my children and that is a big ask, even though my kids are pretty cool.

So life goes on, its hard and sad and sometimes I wish it didn't but there are always moments of joy and special people and things do get better.  I promise you that.